Tattycoram Read online

  Tattycoram

  Also by Audrey Thomas

  Ten Green Bottles

  Mrs. Blood

  Goodbye, Harold, Good Luck

  Munchmeyer and Prospero on the Island

  Songs My Mother Taught Me

  Blown Figures

  Ladies and Escorts

  Latakia

  Real Mothers

  Two in the Bush and Other Stories

  Intertidal Life

  The Wild Blue Yonder

  Graven Images

  Coming Down from Wa

  Isobel Gunn

  The Path of Totality

  Tattycoram

  AUDREY THOMAS

  Copyright © Audrey Thomas, 2005.

  All rights reserved. No part of this work may be reproduced or used in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher or a licence from the Canadian Copyright Licensing Agency (Access Copyright). To contact Access Copyright, visit www.accesscopyright.ca or call 1-800-893-5777.

  Edited by Laurel Boone.

  Cover and interior design by Julie Scriver.

  Cover image detailed from The Bohemian by Adolphe William Bouguereau,

  courtesy of ARC – Art Renewal Center.

  Printed in Canada by Friesens.

  This book is printed on acid-free paper that is 100% recycled,

  ancient-forest friendly (100% post-consumer recycled).

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

  Thomas, Audrey, 1935-

  Tattycoram / Audrey Thomas.

  ISBN 0-86492-431-3

  I. Title.

  PS8539.H62T38 2005 C813’.54 C2005-900949-7

  Published with the financial support of the Canada Council for the Arts, the Government of Canada through the Book Publishing Industry Development Program, and the New Brunswick Culture and Sports Secretariat.

  Goose Lane Editions

  469 King Street

  Fredericton, New Brunswick

  CANADA E3B 1E5

  www.gooselane.com

  To my dear neighbours,

  Mick and G. English, who enjoy a good story

  Question: What is your name?

  Answer: N. or M.

  Question: Who gave you this name?

  — The Book of Common Prayer

  Wash off my foul offence

  And Cleanse me from my Sin

  For I confess my Crime and see

  How great my Guilt has been.

  In Guilt each part was form’d

  Of all this sinful Frame;

  In Guilt I was conceived and born

  The Heir of Sin and Shame.

  — Psalms, Hymns and Anthems

  Used in the Chapel of the Hospital for

  the Maintenance and Education of

  Exposed and Deserted Young Children

  (London, 1774)

  Tattycoram

  1

  There is a small round spot on the top of my head where the hair will never grow. When I was young, I was sure this was where my mother’s tears rained down in the days before she gave me up, her sadness soaking through to my skull. My foster mother told me I was eight weeks old when they put me in her waiting arms. Eight weeks of tears, wearing away that place on the top of my head like water wearing a hollow in a stone.

  Years later Matron commented on it when they were washing our hair in preparation for cutting; she thought at first I had the ringworm.

  We had to believe, you see, that our mothers wept, that they loved us dearly and hated to part with us, that they thought about us every day of their lives forever after.

  We had been left at the hospital by our mothers, except for Agnes Lamb, who had been found under a bush in Mecklenburg Gardens. The fairies had left her there. The rest of us were handed over like a parcel, registered in the big book Mr. Brownlow kept locked in his desk: Girl, eight weeks, No. 19,176. Then washed, dressed in new clothes, christened in the chapel and given a new name. I was Harriet Coram.

  Did I cry when the water touched my head? Did I think it was my mother’s tears?

  And then a long journey in a wagon, held close under the shawl of a woman who did not smell like my mother (who smelled spicy) as we bumped our way out of London. “Hush, hush,” she said and put me to the breast, but I howled and turned away my head. “Ah,” said the strange voice, “you’ll suck when you’re hungry enough.”

  “It was a long journey,” my foster mother told me, “and you howled nearly the entire way. But you weren’t the only one. Two dozen of you, swaddled like saveloys in penny buns, and most of you howling, poor little things. We stopped at an inn for refreshment. Some of the nurses made sugar-tits and dipped them in ale to make their babies sleepy, but I didn’t want to do that. When we returned to the wagon, I lay down in the straw and tucked you in beside me and began to tell you about myself and your new father and grandfather and Sam and Jonnie and his little twin that died. Hannah, we had named her, and now she was buried in the churchyard with the others. When I thought of her I began to weep — the wound was still so fresh, you see. My breasts leaked, just thinking about her. The tears seemed to soothe you and you fell asleep for a bit. When you awoke, you took the breast so greedily I ached.”

  She smiled, remembering. “Little greedy guts, your father used to call you, whereas Jonnie . . . Jonnie would fall asleep. I had to tickle the soles of his feet to get him to continue. I sometimes wondered if he missed his twin, if there wasn’t something in him that wanted to go to her. He was never very strong, unlike you. Do you think he is still alive?”

  And now it was my turn to say “Hush, hush” and to comfort her, for she was dying and knew she would never see either of her sons again in this world.

  Father had brought her a posy of spring flowers and laid it on her pillow.

  “Lovely,” she said, “lovely.” And then she died. My real mother — the only mother I had ever known.

  Sam was our big brother. He was nine years old when I arrived in Shere; after him came the dead babies in the churchyard, then finally the twins, Hannah and Jonathan, but Hannah died as well. Each baby had a little lamb carved by Grandfather, a whole flock of little lambs side by side in the green grass. If Hannah had not died, I wouldn’t be there, safe and loved, with Father and Mother and Sam and Jonnie and Grandfather, who had been blind since he had the smallpox at the age of six.

  (Do I really remember a large, rough hand moving gently over my face the night I arrived, a hand rough as a cat’s tongue, making my acquaintance through the tips of his fingers?)

  Grandfather had a gift: he could carve anything. The little outbuilding where he worked smelled sweetly of fresh shavings. He had carved the rood screen for our church — all wild roses, eglantine, wood anemone and the wildflowers which grew all around. It was the talk of the county, and people came from far and wide to see it. Sam told me he had once asked Grandfather how he could carve flowers and birds when he couldn’t see. “And he said, ‘I wasn’t always blind, Samuel. I had six years of looking and I was a country lad. I liked getting up close to things even then. What a child sees in the first six years of his life, he never forgets. It’s in there, somewhere, and all he has to do is draw it out.’”

  Grandmother was dead, and our other grandparents as well, but Grandfather was enough. As I grew, I liked to sit beside him on his bench while he worked. Newel posts for one of the big houses or graveboards or toys for the wealthy children in the neighbourhood or his big project — misericordes for the cathedral at Guildford.

  It was Grandfather’s gift, Sam told me many years later, which set us apart from the other labourers’ families, that even provid
ed us with little luxuries. Times were bad and Father’s wages were very low, but with Grandfather’s carving and Mother’s needlework and the money from the hospital, we managed. I was too young to understand how the workhouse loomed as a threat over village life. No one ever wanted to end up there, but some couldn’t help themselves. We managed quite well. Always wheaten bread, not the rough barley loaves. Real tea, and once a week a nice piece of bacon. I think I took it for granted that everybody could live like that if they wanted to.

  Sam worked at haying and harvesting, along with Mother and Father, while Grandfather kept an eye on us. (That was his joke.) And soon enough we were put to work as well, as birdscarers in the fields. Grandfather made us each a clapper; Sam took us out and set us down wherever we were needed. We liked making noise, whirling the clappers around and shouting, “Bad birds, bad birds.” We got a penny a day between us and proudly gave it to Mam, who told us she didn’t know how she’d manage without us, not yet four and already bringing in wages!

  Grandfather made me a doll with a wooden head and arms and Mother made her a body stuffed with bits of rag. She had a blue checked dress sewn from a gypsy handkerchief, and I loved her to distraction. Jonnie had a wonderful wooden chicken on wheels with a hollow on its back where a wooden egg fitted. The egg went round when he pulled the hen along by a string.

  Sam knocked down a boy who said I was a bastard. Father said, “Show him to me, and I’ll knock him down again.”

  “What’s a bastard?” I asked.

  We all slept upstairs in the same room except for Grandfather, who preferred to sleep in his workshop. Each night he would rise from his chair and wish us all a goodnight and a God bless. He never needed a lantern, for his feet knew the way, how many steps to the door, how many to round the corner of the cottage, how many to his own door.

  He shaved himself with a wicked razor, and once a month Mother sat him down outside and cut his hair, then Father’s, then Sam’s, then Jonnie’s. “As for you,” she said to me, “you and your bird’s nest.” My hair was always in a curly tangle and I cried when she combed it out. “I should cut it, I suppose, but I can’t bear to,” winding one of my curls around her finger.

  The children in the village loved Grandfather because, at Christmas and birthdays, he gave them wooden whistles or little wooden spinning tops. Once, for a crippled boy, a complete Noah’s Ark. His mother came, weeping, to thank him. We asked him why we couldn’t have a Noah’s Ark as well, and he told us we could roam around and see real animals any day of the week.

  “But not the ’potamus, Grandfather,” Jonnie said, “not the ’potamus and not the giraffe.”

  “I’ll tell you what,” said Grandfather, “I’ll make you each a throne.” Which he did.

  When he had time, Sam took us on adventures. Sometimes we went as far as the gypsy camps in the Hurtwood. The gypsy children were dirty and made faces, but I liked the women in their flouncy skirts and gold earrings. They gave us tea in tin mugs, and I can still remember the way the tea tasted of the heather, a brown, slightly bitter taste.

  They lived in tents and the men stole horses — or that’s what people said in the villages. The women could put a curse on you, so if they offered you something for sale, the village women said, you’d better buy it or your milk might dry up or a horse might kick you in the head. Mother said she had never heard the women cursing anybody, but Father laughed and said, “Then why do you buy from them?”

  We liked the gypsies, and we liked the way Sam took us on adventures and lifted us over stiles if we couldn’t manage on our own.

  Sam and Jonnie were fair and had lovely reddish hair like Mother. In the sun it shone like new pennies. Father was fair as well and Grandfather was grey. I was the only one whose hair was dark, and that was because I had another mother long ago who couldn’t take care of me.

  “Why couldn’t she?”

  “She just couldn’t.”

  “Why?”

  We went to church on Sunday mornings, everybody except Father, who said it was his day of rest. Most of the fathers didn’t go. What I liked best about church was the pump organ that ground out the hymns and the graveyard where the tall, thin stones and boards tilted every which way. Some of them were so old and weathered the names had disappeared. The dead slept all together, under a soft green blanket, until Resurrection Day, when everybody would jump up and begin dancing. It would be just like Harvest Festival. Even the dead babies would jump up and clap their little hands. I liked the idea of the babies dancing, especially little Hannah, for whom I had a particular affection.

  Jonnie and I went with Mother and the other women and children to gather rushes for the rushlights and laid them out, just so, for dipping. We gathered mushrooms and hazelnuts and, best of all, we picked the hurts when they were ripe. Oh, the hurts were lovely, and we quickly filled Mother’s basket and then our own. We ate almost as many as we picked and came home with blue lips and blue tongues, Mother as well. There was nothing so good as a bowl of hurts, with a bit of milk if you could get it, hurt preserves if you had any sugar to spare.

  It must have rained during my early years in the village — I know it did, for I can remember the sound of the rain on the thatch, as Jonnie and I lay in our little truckle bed upstairs; but when I look back like this, it is as though my childhood, from the time I was put into my real mother’s arms until the day I left at the age of five and a half, my childhood was like some seamless garment which covered me lightly and kept me from all harm. I think if I hadn’t had that I might have turned out quite a different person. Like poor Elisabeth Avis, perhaps.

  A stream ran through the village, the Tillingbourne, very clear, shallow and fast-flowing. Sometimes Sam tied us both to a rope and the rope to one of the old trees, which leaned so far over the water they almost met their reflections. We were to sit there and be good while he went off somewhere with his friends. We did not like to be tied up, but Sam’s knots were firm and we were stuck. We must not tell Mother; we must solemnly swear, and we solemnly did. I suppose we were about three years old at this time, so Sam would be twelve.

  That was how we were the first to see the princess come floating by. She had on a long white dress and was looking at something in the water so we couldn’t see her face, just her hair, which was yellow, like wheat, her long hair streaming down her back.

  We called to her to come and untie us, but she paid no attention and disappeared towards the bridge.

  “A princess,” I said to Jonnie, and he nodded. How we wanted to get up and follow her, but the rope kept us prisoner upstream.

  And then, after a while, we heard the women in the village crying out to her and greeting her, and we were cross with Sam because it was his fault we were missing all the excitement. No doubt at that very moment they were handing her the golden crown.

  And then Mother’s voice, frantic, calling, “Sam! Sam! Sam! Sam!” but of course he was far away and we had made a solemn promise not to tell.

  She found us anyway and Sam got a beating when he came home. He told me later that he too was frantic when he arrived at the spot where he had left us and all that was there was the rope, still tied to the tree.

  “I saw a princess,” I told Mother. But it wasn’t, only a girl from one of the big houses over towards Gomshall, and nobody knew how she had fallen in or why she couldn’t get up, a big girl like that. And so we learned a new word: drowned. The whole village went to the funeral at Gomshall — all the villages went — everybody wearing white, not black, because she was so young.

  Mother hugged us until we hurt. For a long time we were not allowed to float our twig boats in the stream, standing on one side of the bridge and leaning over, then rushing to the other side to see whose boat came through first.

  There was something called an inquest.

  At Christmastime the rector’s wife and the Misses Bray gave a party for all the children. That’s when we got new clothes. What we liked best were the sweeties and the oranges,
although oranges made me cry. I couldn’t say why; I don’t know why. The rector’s wife said, “Well, who’s an ungrateful child?” The moon had turned to ice and the ruts in the road were frozen. We sat close to the fire on our thrones while Grandfather told us stories. The bells rang in the New Year; we were allowed a sip of blackberry cordial before we went up to bed. Sam stayed up later now that he was nearly grown. Mother told us to go straight to sleep and never to look at the moon through glass.

  And there was a lady, long ago, who was walled up in the church. All she had were two little places where she could look out and be handed food. She must have been very bad. I asked my mother, “What did she do?”

  “She was a holy woman.”

  “What’s a holy woman?”

  “Someone good, someone who wants to be alone and think about God.”

  “But why did she have to be shut up to do that?”

  “I don’t know. There are other stories.”

  “Tell me the other stories.”

  “You’re too young.”

  “I am five.”

  “Yes, I know that,” and her face went sad. I asked Grandfather.

  “Grandfather, do you know any stories about the lady who was walled up in the church?”

  “None fit for your ears,” he said, and would say no more. Sam and Father worked every day in the fields. They got up before daybreak and came home at dusk. Our big brother had little time for us now. On Sundays he went roaming with his friends. Sometimes at night, if he came up and we were still awake, he made us shadow puppets on the walls, but mostly he just smiled at us in passing and patted our heads. We were old enough to scare off the birds by ourselves. We drove the small birds away from the turnip seeds and the rooks away from the peas. The rooks mocked us but the sparrows flew away from our clappers. “Away away, you black devils, away away! You eat too much, you drink too much, you carry too much away.”